If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

You bring children into the world. You love them with heart and soul.

My parents were the same in the pulpit as they were at home. I think that’s where a lot of preachers‘ kids get off base sometimes. Because they don’t see the same things at both places.

I was born in Earl K. Long Hospital. I was born Feb. 5th, 1986. I have a lot of family members. My grandmother had five girls, and all of them had children. It was always a house full. A lot of cousins. A lot of family members.

John D. Rockefeller apparently became more of a tightwad the richer he got. I don’t know if it is true, but one story I read was about one of his sons having to wear his older sister’s clothes in order to save money.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I look at how my kids view exercise. They have a complete understanding that nutrition and exercise go hand in hand. I didn’t think like that when I was a kid. But they have a real consciousness about it that I’d like to think comes from the years of attention we’ve put into this.

In my divorce, I stood up and said to my ex-wife, ‚Hey, I messed up. This had nothing to do with you. I didn’t understand what marriage was. I cheated. I was wrong. We couldn’t fix it; it got worse. I stepped away because I didn’t want it to get any worse. You’re the mother of my kids – I don’t want to hate you.‘

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

When I was a kid, I had a tendency to criticize. But when I did, my mum would whisk me off to the bathroom to stand in front of a mirror. Ten minutes, never less. To think about how criticism is a poor reflection on the one who criticizes.

I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

One of the things I realized is that if you do not take control over your time and your life, other people will gobble it up. If you don’t prioritize yourself, you constantly start falling lower and lower on your list, your kids fall lower and lower on your list.

I have spent so much time and so much energy making other people’s children stars.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

There are some important differences between me and Tony Stark, like I have five kids, so I spend more time going to Disneyland than parties.

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

There’s no political point worth my son’s life.

My own eight children all march to the beat of their inner music, and in some cases, it is definitely far away from what I hear. I’ve had to honor their instincts and their choices, and merely guided them out of harm’s way until they could be their own guides.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

I became the kind of parent my mother was to me.

Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep.

I just want to make sure when I have kids, I can spend time with them. That’s the whole point.

The moment you have a child, in an instant your life is not for you, and your life is completely, 100 percent dedicated to another human being, and they will always come first. It changes you forever. It changes your perspective, and it gives you a nice purpose and focus.

The reason children accept discipline from their parents is because they know their parents love them.

Previous generations understood about death, and undoubtedly would have seen a reasonable amount of death. Once you get into the Victorian era, you might well have seen the funerals of many of your siblings before you were very old.

Being a kid’s not easy. You’re transforming and becoming a human being. At some point, you have everyone taking care of you, and then, all of a sudden, you’re out in the world.

My son’s full real name is Duncan Zowie Haywood. As a toddler, he was called by his second name Zowie. But it was such an identifiable name during the Seventies that if I called him loudly in public places, everyone would turn to stare, so I started calling him Joey to take the pressure off.

The difference between us and them, between you and success, is not that you never fail, but it’s how you recover from those failures – is that you keep getting up time and time again. You figure out what you did wrong, and then you make it right. I say that to my kids every day.

It’s true; once you are a father, there’s no turning back. Your heart strings as well as your purse strings are never again the same.

When your mother asks, ‚Do you want a piece of advice?‘ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

It takes three to make a child.