If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Anything you’re good at contributes to happiness.

There’s nothing better than having a baby. I’ve always loved children. I used to work summers at the YMCA and be in charge of, like, 30 preschool kids. I knew that when I had a child, I’d be overwhelmed, and it’s true… I can’t tell you how much my attitude has changed since we’ve got Frances. Holding my baby is the best drug in the world.

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.

Money can’t buy life.

Free will carried many a soul to hell, but never a soul to heaven.

My three children have brought me great joy.

The intense happiness of our union is derived in a high degree from the perfect freedom with which we each follow and declare our own impressions.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

We fear that this moment will end, that we won’t get what we need, that we will lose what we love, or that we will not be safe. Often, our biggest fear is the knowledge that one day our bodies will cease functioning. So even when we are surrounded by all the conditions for happiness, our joy is not complete.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

How happy had it been for me had I been slain in the battle. It had been far more noble to have died the victim of the enemy than fall a sacrifice to the rage of my friends.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

We only need so much to survive, but this world we live in tells us we need more stuff to be happy. We’re inundated with our televisions, the Internet and advertising that says in order to be happy you have to have these things. When you say, ‚Gimme, gimme, gimme,‘ you will always be in short supply.

Do not give in too much to feelings. A overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this shaky earth.

If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

If I were a Roman Catholic, I should turn a heretic, in sheer desperation, because I would rather go to heaven than go to purgatory.

The joy and love that I get from playing football are unbelievable. It is such a feeling that I want to give everything that I have got. I just enjoy it, I am living a life that I never even dreamt of.

Jesus lived a life that was full of joy and contradictions and fights, you know? If they were to paint a picture of Jesus without contradictions, the gospels would be fake, but the contradictions are a sign of authenticity.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

I believe that God put us in this jolly world to be happy and enjoy life.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

After many years of great mercy, after tasting of the powers of the world to come, we still are so weak, so foolish; but, oh! when we get away from self to God, there all is truth and purity and holiness, and our heart finds peace, wisdom, completeness, delight, joy, victory.

God wants to use you to make other people happy! And the happier you make others, the happier you will be because you reap what you sow.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Happiness is within the reach of everyone, rich or poor. Yet comparatively few people are happy. I believe the reason for this is that the majority don’t recognize happiness even when it is within their grasp.

He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.

If this were all to go away tomorrow, all the big success, I would still be very happy going from bar to bar playing music for people.

Real joy seems to me almost as unlike security or prosperity as it is unlike agony.

It is better that some should be unhappy rather than that none should be happy, which would be the case in a general state of equality.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

The learned is happy, nature to explore; The fool is happy, that he knows no more.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

There are trees of a thousand sorts, and all have their several fruits; and I feel the most unhappy man in the world not to know them, for I am well assured that they are all valuable. I bring home specimens of them, and also of the land.

When the kids are laughing in the audience, I tear up, I’m so happy I did a nice thing.

You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.

‚Happiness‘ is a pointless goal.

The health of the people is really the foundation upon which all their happiness and all their powers as a state depend.

In South Korea, they believe that when you turn 60, you’ve become a baby again and the rest of your life should be totally about joy and happiness, and people should leave you alone, and I just think that that’s the height of intelligence.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

No one can be happy who has been thrust outside the pale of truth. And there are two ways that one can be removed from this realm: by lying, or by being lied to.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.