If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I grew up in a funny way.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

I’m a football fan, a sports fan, a fan of competition.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

There is something special which rides on a game between Liverpool and United.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

Derbies are always difficult to play because you have to handle the pressure. There’s no advantage or disadvantage for either side.

Baseball is like a poker game. Nobody wants to quit when he’s losing; nobody wants you to quit when you’re ahead.

In India, people are really glued to the Premier League and La Liga.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

The more players I have, the more difficult choices there are for me, but the better it is for LFC.

There is a place in the net where the keeper cannot reach the ball.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Like a baseball game, wars are not over till they are over. Wars don’t run on a clock like football. No previous generation was so hopelessly unrealistic that this had to be explained to them.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

My superhero has always been Tendulkar, and it will be Tendulkar for life. He is someone who has inspired me immensely. Just watching him play for India, I used to dream of winning games for India, because he used to do it single handedly.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

The day I think I’m not enjoying the game and contributing the way I would like to, I’ll hang up my boots.

In most people’s vocabularies, design means veneer. It’s interior decorating. It’s the fabric of the curtains and the sofa. But to me, nothing could be further from the meaning of design.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

It’s a funny old world.

You can say that 2016 was my finest. It went well for the national team, started by winning the SAFF Cup, we reached the finals of AFC Cup, we reached the semis of ISL. I think it was a fruitful season.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I don’t really care how the Patriots are perceived, truthfully. I really don’t. I really don’t. Look, if you’re a fan of our team, you root for us, you believe in our team, and you believe in what we’re trying to accomplish. If you’re not a fan of us, you have a different opinion.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

All an agent is going to do is buy things for a player, damage his eligibility, and make the player dependent on them.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

I always thought about working in England because of the kind of football, the intensity of football. Liverpool was first choice.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

I’m committed to the fight game.

The worst thing is for a player to come to a club and not be able to play.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

My first win feels better than a draw!

There have been so many great players that I’ve played with, that I’ve played against over the years.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

My game is really played above time. I don’t say that like I’m saying I’m ahead of my time. I’m saying, like, if I’m on the court and I throw a pass, the ball that I’ve thrown will lead my teammate right where he needs to go, before he even knows that that’s the right place to go to.

I love watching track and field – the 4×100 relay, the 100-(meter) dash, the 200-(meter) dash. To see what they’re able to do, I love watching that.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I am happy and proud to play for my country and my club Mohun Bagan.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

You can sometimes play some really good football and not score.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.