If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

And that means that no matter how we reform health care, we will keep this promise to the American people: If you like your doctor, you will be able to keep your doctor, period. If you like your health care plan, you’ll be able to keep your health care plan, period. No one will take it away, no matter what.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Humor is reason gone mad.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

The old adage about giving a man a fish versus teaching him how to fish has been updated by a reader: Give a man a fish and he will ask for tartar sauce and French fries! Moreover, some politician who wants his vote will declare all these things to be among his ‚basic rights.‘

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Despair is perfectly compatible with a good dinner, I promise you.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Laughter is America’s most important export.