If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I see myself as the best footballer in the world. If you don’t believe you are the best, then you will never achieve all that you are capable of.

I’m committed to the fight game.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Movies were invented for Jimmy Cagney, and he was invented for the movies. A perfect match.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

The joy and love that I get from playing football are unbelievable. It is such a feeling that I want to give everything that I have got. I just enjoy it, I am living a life that I never even dreamt of.

Diana Ross is a big inspiration to all of us. We all grew up watching everything about her – her mike placement, her grace, her style and her class.

I hope the fans have enjoyed listening as much as I’ve enjoyed doing the games. I don’t ever go to the park where I don’t have a good day. I don’t like losing. But I don’t think I ever go to the park where I have a bad day. I don’t think once.

As a kid, I used to see how Sachin Tendulkar used to win matches under pressure for India in Sharjah or other places. So I was always keen to repeat the same in similar situations. I don’t take pressure on myself when I am in the middle. I love pressure, and I always believe that pressure makes you more focused.

Oh, I can’t play soccer, and I’m not a great swimmer. I won’t drown, but you won’t see me doing laps in a pool.

I want to play a fireman and a spy. I want to learn special effects.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I want more of my favorite artists or more of the guy that makes the anthems. I want more.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

When I was a kid, I never thought much about football. I thought about following in my family’s footsteps and going into professional wrestling.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I’m just glad I play for Coach Belichick.

I try to encourage all my teammates, and I sure hope that some day all athletes – my kids, high school kids – get the same level of care I get. Because you can play for a long period of time without having knee replacements, without having all the major head trauma that people are dealing with.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

The next MVP of the Super Bowl is just as likely to have been a full-time grocery store bagger last year as a Heisman Trophy winner.

I can’t play soccer, and I’m not a great swimmer. I won’t drown, but you won’t see me doing laps in a pool.

Louis van Gaal is one of the most successful managers in the world.

Basically, I live to do gigs.

It’s a funny old world.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I had been playing for a while, and I asked Louisville Slugger to send me a dozen flame treated bats. But when I got it, I realized they had sent me a box of ashes.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Liverpool is a club with a big, big, big history, and all the clubs in the world have a big history if the present is not too successful. If you have never had success, then nobody knows how it is, but in Liverpool, everybody knows how it was.

To be able to finish opportunities that I do get in the paint, that makes a difference.

When I used to play sports, I’d be the one cheering the team on, ‚Come on, we can beat these guys!‘ That’s just in me.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I played football for a team called the East Dragons on the east side of town. We only had six regular season games. And six games I played tail back and I had 18 touchdowns in six games. That’s when I knew I had some athletic ability.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Disneyland is a show.

If you look at the history of Notre Dame, if you hire a coach who’s been successful at another college program, they’re going to be ultra successful at Notre Dame because the talent will always be there.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

I was a Chicago Bulls, Michael Jordan fan growing up.

There’s no point in making predictions. It’s not worth speculating because nothing is set in stone and things change all the time in football. Today there are opportunities that no one knows if they will come round again in the future.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Is there a sharper commentary on American culture and the world than The Simpsons?