I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

If I’d found out that Norman Mailer liked me. I’d have killed myself.

People use irony as a defense mechanism.

Take from a man his reputation for probity, and the more shrewd and clever he is, the more hated and mistrusted he becomes.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil; for which reason I have long since as good as renounced it.

If two smart, intelligent, clever guys sit together on a table, and you both want the same, where can be the problem? We all want to be successful.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Let me state the obvious. Illegal immigration is illegal, duh.

I have no need for good souls: an accomplice is what I wanted.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

Clever tyrants are never punished.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

To be famous, in fact, one has only to kill one’s landlady.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

Thank God, I never was cheerful. I come from the happy stock of the Mathers, who, as you remember, passed sweet mornings reflecting on the goodness of God and the damnation of infants.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

He would make a lovely corpse.

Cruelty would be delicious if one could only find some sort of cruelty that didn’t really hurt.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

A clever, ugly man every now and then is successful with the ladies, but a handsome fool is irresistible.

Nine-tenths of the existing books are nonsense and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

That’s the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they’d be like, ‚Yeah, big deal. I’d eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you’re pulling down.‘

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

A clever man commits no minor blunders.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Well, to the people who pray for me to not only have an agonising death, but then be reborn to have an agonising and horrible eternal life of torture, I say, ‚Well, good on you. See you there.‘

I have never believed much in luck, and my sense of humor has tended to walk on the dark side.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Every now and then I will see a word as if for the first time, and suddenly appreciate that Evian is ‚naive‘ spelled backward, or that Bosnia is an anagram of ‚bonsai.‘

Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen. They’re my biggest heroes. I love everything about Leonard Cohen: his lyrics and his voice. He seems like a really clever man, and Bob Dylan does as well. He’s just really cool.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

Howard Zinn was magical as a teacher. Witty, irreverent, and wise, he loved what he was teaching and clearly wanted his students to love it, also.

The first rap CD that I had, it was so different for me. The energy, the wordplay, all that caught my attention, and I liked it.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.