Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

Stand-up is my baby.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

My kids are normal. If they could eat burgers and fries and ice cream every day, they would. And so would I. But that doesn’t sustain us.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells.

So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

We are so very ‚umble.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

People are generally proud of their food. A willingness to eat and drink with people without fear and prejudice… they open up to you in ways that somebody visiting who is driven by a story may not get.

If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies – it is the first law of nature.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Though she be but little, she is fierce.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Eating words has never given me indigestion.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Alfred Hitchcock once told me, when I was analyzing a lot of things about his pictures, ‚Clint, you must remember, it’s only a movie.‘

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

The ear is the avenue to the heart.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns.

I hid myself in food.

I would say there are some foods that I strongly recommend that you do not eat. No. 1 on that list, I believe, is doughnuts. Comfort food. Zero value. Don’t eat them.