I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I like chicken a lot because chicken is generous – that is to say, it’s obedient. It will do whatever you tell it to do.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Have we not come to such an impasse in the modern world that we must love our enemies – or else? The chain reaction of evil – hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars – must be broken, or else we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I dote on his very absence.

What’s really hard is that you could care a lot for someone and not want to live with him anymore.

When we recognise the virtues, the talent, the beauty of Mother Earth, something is born in us, some kind of connection, love is born.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Love is about mutual respect, apart from attraction.

I always wanted to be a father and thought it would be great, but it just took the right woman and the right time to make it all happen.

You want to do good things, and once you’ve done a couple of good things in a row, you think ‚Well gee, let’s not mess this up.‘ But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

If you think you can slander a woman into loving you, or a man into voting for you, try it till you are satisfied.

The loss of young first love is so painful that it borders on the ludicrous.

A loving heart is the truest wisdom.

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don’t know if it’s possible forever and ever.

Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.

Christmas is the perfect time to celebrate the love of God and family and to create memories that will last forever. Jesus is God’s perfect, indescribable gift. The amazing thing is that not only are we able to receive this gift, but we are able to share it with others on Christmas and every other day of the year.

We do not judge the people we love.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

I eat steak primarily. That’s pretty much what my diet consists of. Sometimes I supplement that with other steaks.

My father probably thought the capital of the world was wherever he was at the time. It couldn’t possibly be anyplace else. Where he and his wife were in their own home, that, for them, was the capital of the world.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

‚Love Story‘ is actually about a guy that I almost dated. But when I introduced him to my family and my friends, they all said they didn’t like him. All of them!

Why should it be essential to love rarely in order to love much?

The love of the family, the love of one person can heal. It heals the scars left by a larger society. A massive, powerful society.

There’s love, and certainly children you care about more than yourself. But nevertheless, we’re alone in our heads.

Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we cannot know it.

I know love is the answer.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Perhaps people like us cannot love. Ordinary people can – that is their secret.

Fame is a fickle food upon a shifting plate.

To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men.

A good wife is one who serves her husband in the morning like a mother does, loves him in the day like a sister does and pleases him like a prostitute in the night.

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

I think that you can love people without it being the great love.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Have you not noticed that love is silence? It may be while holding the hand of another, or looking lovingly at a child, or taking in the beauty of an evening. Love has no past or future, and so it is with this extraordinary state of silence.

The giving of love is an education in itself.

There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary beings.

He that loves to be flattered is worthy o‘ the flatterer.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.