I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

Politics is applesauce.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Be smarter than other people, just don’t tell them so.

My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy. That some people, unable to go to school, were more educated and more intelligent than college professors.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

It occurred to me that there was no difference between men, in intelligence or race, so profound as the difference between the sick and the well.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Nature shows that with the growth of intelligence comes increased capacity for pain, and it is only with the highest degree of intelligence that suffering reaches its supreme point.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I think what it really is, is that I date creative people. And I think that what intimidates them is not my purse; it’s my mind.

Take my wife… Please!

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Will minus intellect constitutes vulgarity.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

We are faced with the paradoxical fact that education has become one of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought.

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Where sense is wanting, everything is wanting.

The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I’m in awe of the universe, but I don’t necessarily believe there’s an intelligence or agent behind it. I do have a passion for the visual in religious rituals, though, even though they may be completely empty and bereft of substance.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

Ah! yes, I know: those who see me rarely trust my word: I must look too intelligent to keep it.

If you look at the movie ‚Belly,‘ I identify with Sincere the most. I am a gangster. I love my lady to death. I’m not in the game for the wrong reasons. I’m not in the game for the glory. I’m in the game to survive so the people that I love could be straight. I’m a highly intelligent individual.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

It’s a funny old world.

They say somebody’s ‚street smart.‘ I feel like, if I got intelligence, it’s just a country smart.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It is the mark of a truly intelligent person to be moved by statistics.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘