I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

A company is a group organized to create a product or service, and it is only as good as its people and how excited they are about creating. I do want to recognize a ton of super-talented people. I just happen to be the face of the companies.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

A house divided against itself cannot stand.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

World belongs to humanity, not this leader, that leader or that king or prince or religious leader. World belongs to humanity.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.

Want balance in your life? Then sure, get your own act together, but don’t forget four powerful disciplines of execution in your team and organization.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

There are people who are really good managers, people who can manage a big organization, and then there are people who are very analytic or focused on strategy. Those two types don’t usually tend to be in the same person. I would put myself much more in the latter camp.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Above all, this country is our own. Nobody has to get up in the morning and worry what his neighbors think of him. Being a Jew is no problem here.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

I am not bound to please thee with my answer.

The valiant never taste of death but once.

No one can live without relationship. You may withdraw into the mountains, become a monk, a sannyasi, wander off into the desert by yourself, but you are related. You cannot escape from that absolute fact. You cannot exist in isolation.

If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in at death; and the higher the rate of interest and the more regularly it is paid, the further the date of redemption is postponed.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

A right delayed is a right denied.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.

I really do feel part of America to my very bones; at the same time, I know that I come from somewhere else.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Let man live at a distance from God, and the universe remains neutral or hostile to him. But let man believe in God, and immediately all around him the elements, even the irksome, of the inevitable organize themselves into a friendly whole, ordered to the ultimate success of life.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Where thou art, that is home.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.

Water is the driving force of all nature.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

You can tell the tree by the fruit it bears. You see it through what the organization is delivering as far as a concrete program. If the tree’s fruit sours or grows brackish, then the time has come to chop it down – bury it and walk over it and plant new seeds.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

The people who are doing the work are the moving force behind the Macintosh. My job is to create a space for them, to clear out the rest of the organization and keep it at bay.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.