I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

The French complain of everything, and always.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

I grew up in a funny way.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Stand-up is my baby.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?