I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Stand-up is hard.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.