I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

I grew up in a funny way.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

The secret to humor is surprise.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.