I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

In this experiment, made on the 9th of October, 1876, actual conversation, backwards and forwards, upon the same line, and by the same instruments reciprocally used, was successfully carried on for the first time upon a real line of miles in length.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Democracy is a daring concept – a hope that we’ll be best governed if all of us participate in the act of government. It is meant to be a conversation, a place where the intelligence and local knowledge of the electorate sums together to arrive at actions that reflect the participation of the largest possible number of people.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

There was a stool there, and some fella kept asking me if I wanted to sit down. When I saw the stool sitting there, it gave me the idea. I’ll just put the stool out there and I’ll talk to Mr. Obama and ask him why he didn’t keep all of the promises he made to everybody.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Jesters do often prove prophets.

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

Dinner was made for eating, not for talking.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

In America, the professor talks to the mechanic. They are in the same category.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

For me to talk with Obama and the conversation I had with him, I was letting him know that me and my fans have a special connection, and it’s love, and I believe that love is the answer.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I do believe in self-help.

I mean, families are weird.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!