I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Stand-up is my baby.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.