I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Take my wife… Please!

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Nobody can ever make enough money for as many poor relatives as I’ve got. Somebody’s got a sick kid, or somebody needs an operation, somebody ain’t got this, somebody ain’t got that. Or to give the kids all a car when they graduate.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I hate to be smart.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.