I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

In football, it’s the job of the player to play, the coach to coach, the official to officiate. Each guy is charged with upholding his end, nothing more. In golf, the player, coach and official are rolled into one, and they overlap completely. Golf really is the best microcosm of life – or at least the way life should be.

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Too many people treat parenting like it’s the 20th item on their to-do list.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

In the end, everything is a gag.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing, but the habits he has accumulated during the first half.

There are too many people that depend on me. I’m too obligated. I’m in too far to get out.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Take my wife… Please!

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

A good wife is one who serves her husband in the morning like a mother does, loves him in the day like a sister does and pleases him like a prostitute in the night.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘