I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

The art of being a slave is to rule one’s master.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Nobody is my boss.

The more a person seeks security, the more that person gives up control over their life.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I don’t want to be fake. I’m just being me. And I have the power to break stereotypes and whatever useless rules that society puts on us.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

I think it’s so important for girls to love themselves and to treat their bodies respectfully.

Let him that would move the world first move himself.

Sexism is real in this country.

I want kids to know: Don’t wait for somebody to come along and tell you you’re special. Because that may never happen.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

There are those who believe Black people possess the secret of joy and that it is this that will sustain them through any spiritual or moral or physical devastation.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‚I’m possible‘!

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I like to be in control of how I look and how I feel and how I act.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

You can change your world by changing your words… Remember, death and life are in the power of the tongue.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Nothing external to you has any power over you.

Woman was God’s second mistake.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

My mother was very strong. Once, she picked up a coconut and smashed it against my father’s head. It taught me about women defending themselves and not collapsing in a heap.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

My mother had a saying: ‚Kamala, you may be the first to do many things, but make sure you’re not the last.‘

Having been poor is no shame, but being ashamed of it, is.

It is folly for a man to pray to the gods for that which he has the power to obtain by himself.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

I’m not convinced that women have the education or the sense of their own history enough or that they understand the cruelty of which men are capable and the delight that many men will take in seeing you choose to chain yourself – then they get to say ‚See, you did it yourself.‘

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.