I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

It’s a funny old world.

What can I say? I’m a talker.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I’m an optimist in the sense that I believe humans are noble and honorable, and some of them are really smart. I have a very optimistic view of individuals.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

‚This guy’s a clown! He’s just all talk!‘ I’ve heard that many times in my career. And then they’re sleeping in the middle of the octagon.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

If anything, we should feel sorry for the people who want us to feel bad about ourselves, because they are the ones struggling for approval. In middle school, bullies tortured other kids because they thought it would make people like them more.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People are really talkative in New York. Someone always comes up to me and says ‚Hi‘ during the day.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Look, the American people are smart.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

There are many harsh lessons to be learned from the gambling experience, but the harshest one of all is the difference between having Fun and being Smart.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

I went to a lovely school, and I got an incredible education. And I actually think that my education is what really sets me apart, ‚cause I’m very smart.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I say, ‚Yeah, Taylor Swift.‘ I think she is a smart, beautiful girl. I think she’s making all the right moves. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. She’s surrounded with wonderful people. Her songs are great. She keeps herself anchored. She knows who she is, and she’s living and standing by that.

I think about the milestones from my childhood and what it will be like to watch our kids go through them. Taking Riley to her first day of school was a whirlwind. I can’t imagine what middle school is going to be like, and high school, and graduation.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

If you want to deal with an epidemic – crime or health – the smartest and most effective and cheapest way to deal with it is prevention first.

Man who invented the hamburger was smart; man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Rude people will now & then ask me why I think I know so much about Politics. I tell them it’s because I’m Smart… But that is a lie: The real reason is because I’m an incurable Gambling addict.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

The thing about hip-hop today is it’s smart, it’s insightful. The way they can communicate a complex message in a very short space is remarkable.

Let’s just be smart this time. I’m looking for smart.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

It takes a smart man to play dumb.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

My mom and I have always been really close. She’s always been the friend that was always there. There were times when, in middle school and junior high, I didn’t have a lot of friends. But my mom was always my friend. Always.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I hate to be smart.