I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

When I am working on a book or a story, I write every morning as soon after first light as possible. There is no one to disturb you, and it is cool or cold, and you come to your work and warm as you write.

Habit converts luxurious enjoyments into dull and daily necessities.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I wonder how many decisions we make every day. I believe it’s probably hundreds. We decide whether or not to get out of bed, what we’ll eat, what we’ll do, what we’ll think about, what we’ll say… and on and on.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

What nicer thing can you do for somebody than make them breakfast?

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Each morning when I awake, I experience again a supreme pleasure – that of being Salvador Dali.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

All men are children, and of one family. The same tale sends them all to bed, and wakes them in the morning.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, ‚Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.‘

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I don’t have maids or servants, and my husband and I love waking up early and going to the 24-hour supermarket when there is nobody else there.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

When I take my kid to school, all the parents stop and stare.

It’s a funny old world.

Sometimes, getting up in the morning and brushing your teeth is the hardest part of the day – it all just hurts.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.