I try to be funny and not ignorant.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

I’ve got a great sense of humor, and if I’m able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that’s hugely flattering.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Humor is reason gone mad.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Friends applaud, the comedy is over.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Take my wife… Please!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

Comedy isn’t necessarily all dialogue. Think of Buster Keaton: the poker face and all this chaos going on all around him. Sometimes it’s a question of timing, of the proper rhythm.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I’ll continue to make the typical Adam Sandler comedies.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.