I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Each doctor makes a much, much more important job than I do, but at the end, nobody talks about him. We all know about it, but we don’t really think about it.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.