I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

The secret to humor is surprise.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I hate to be smart.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I think I have always had a little humor.