I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I mean, families are weird.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I grew up in a funny way.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If I were to make public these tapes, containing blunt and candid remarks on many different subjects, the confidentiality of the office of the president would always be suspect.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.