I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Love in all its subtleties is nothing more, and nothing less, than the more or less direct trace marked on the heart of the element by the psychical convergence of the universe upon itself.

You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action.

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

I think I have always had a little humor.

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Your ordinary acts of love and hope point to the extraordinary promise that every human life is of inestimable value.

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

Talent grips us. We are overtaken by the beauty of Michelangelo’s sculpture, riveted by Mariah Carey’s angelic voice, doubled over in laughter by the comedy of Robin Williams, and captivated by the on screen performances of Denzel Washington.

We, the People, recognize that we have responsibilities as well as rights; that our destinies are bound together; that a freedom which only asks what’s in it for me, a freedom without a commitment to others, a freedom without love or charity or duty or patriotism, is unworthy of our founding ideals, and those who died in their defense.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Human beings must be known to be loved; but Divine beings must be loved to be known.

All women have a perception much more developed than men. So all women somehow, being repressed for so many millennia, they ended up by developing this sixth sense and contemplation and love. And this is something that we have a hard time to accept as part of our society.

God proved His love on the Cross. When Christ hung, and bled, and died, it was God saying to the world, ‚I love you.‘

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

The only way to get love is to be lovable. It’s very irritating if you have a lot of money. You’d like to think you could write a check: ‚I’ll buy a million dollars‘ worth of love.‘ But it doesn’t work that way. The more you give love away, the more you get.

You want to do good things, and once you’ve done a couple of good things in a row, you think ‚Well gee, let’s not mess this up.‘ But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

That’s what a man wants in a wife, mostly; he wants to make sure one fool tells him he’s wise.

My audience went, ‚Wait, why is she singing jazz? What’s going on?‘ And then they went, ‚Oh, because she can. Because she loves it.‘ And jazz, a music invented by the African-American community, is the greatest art form, I believe, to have ever come out of this country.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

No rapper in the world from Jay-Z to Tupac to Biggie has 100 percent love on everything they do.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

I kept a very full diary of my relationship with Nixon, for some strange reason, until he became president.

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Dreams are the guiding words of the soul. Why should I henceforth not love my dreams and not make their riddling images into objects of my daily consideration?

I have discovered that my interest in my dear pupil, Mabel, has ripened into a far deeper feeling than that of mere friendship. In fact, I know that I have learned to love her very sincerely.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

The best way to know God is to love many things.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.

Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion – towards ourselves and towards all living beings.

Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.

I hope you love birds too. It is economical. It saves going to heaven.

I know I’m talented, but I wasn’t put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mom and look after my family. I love what I do, but it’s not where it begins and ends.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

Alimony – the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and thought than marriage.

This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.