I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

I am not happy, and the quest for happiness as a principal objective is not part of my world. Of course, ever since I can remember, I have done what I felt like doing.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I like to be in control of how I look and how I feel and how I act.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Letters are something from you. It’s a different kind of intention than writing an e-mail.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

When in doubt, don’t.

It is better to create than to learn! Creating is the essence of life.

Sisters, do you realize the breadth and scope of your influence when you speak those things that come to your heart and mind as directed by the Spirit?

The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.

I think I have something tonight that’s not quite correct for evening wear. Blue suede shoes.

I’ve never gotten thick skin. If you close yourself off and you get this protective armor, there is a price you pay with that – of not feeling. And feeling is important when you are a songwriter.

I go down the street, people see me: ‚Hey, I pity-‚ right on, man, that’s a compliment to me.

I thought one should have the attitude of ‚What do you care what other people think!‘

I’ve used my femininity and my sexuality as a weapon and a tool… but that’s just natural.

Well, everyone likes movies when they’re a little kid.

The present condition of fame is merely fashion.

I modelled my looks on the town tramp.

I use a stream-of-consciousness approach; if you don’t censor yourself, you end up with what you’re most concerned about, but you haven’t filtered it through your conscious mind. Then you craft it.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I’m happy that I have my family, and I’m happy that I had Virginia, where I grew up, to retreat to any time I felt overwhelmed. Whenever there were times when I felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me and I was floating in this crazy space, I would stop and go back to that neighborhood and realize nothing’s changed, really.

A sex symbol becomes a thing. I just hate to be a thing.

I very rarely watch my own fashion shows, but the makeup for my Fall 2011 show was just brilliant.

I think style is being so comfortable and confident in what you’re wearing. That’s what style is, ‚cause everybody’s got different style.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

I always say this about my music, and music in general: Music is like a time capsule. Each album reflects what I’m going through or what’s going on in my life at that moment.

Years and years ago, I did a game based on ‚Hitchhiker’s Guide‘ with a company called Infocom, which was a great company. They were doing witty, intelligent, literate games based on text.

I am, and ever will be, a white socks, pocket protector, nerdy engineer.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

If you are full of motivation as a player, if you are full of concentration, I am open arms.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

People always say when they meet me that I’m not what they expect. I assume they think I’m this super dark and depressing guy, but I like to channel all of those emotions into my work.

My mother encouraged me to be artistic. It was written in a contract at an early age that I would be an artist.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Art is the proper task of life.

Who I am on stage is very, very different to who I am in real life.

None of the records I make are ever a deliberate construction – they’re always an expression of who I am at the time and where I am in my life.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

I never went to school more than six months in my life, but I can say this: that among my earliest recollections, I remember how, when a mere child, I used to get irritated when anybody talked to me in a way I could not understand.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I didn’t try to copy my dad or fit into the pressure or the mold that everybody tried to make me fit into.

The good times of today, are the sad thoughts of tomorrow.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

As a musician and a songwriter, it is an act of the ego to believe that other people might be interested in your point of view. But it is usually an empathetic nature that gets you going in the first place.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I can say I’d honestly rather be happy than have 30 to 40 songs that I’ve written about these thrilling, exciting, horrible, unhappy times.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

The power of our thoughts may never be measured or appreciated, but it became obvious to me as a young boy that there was value and power in being aware of my thoughts and how I expressed myself.

The question isn’t, ‚What do we want to know about people?‘, It’s, ‚What do people want to tell about themselves?‘