I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I was adored once too.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

It’s still scary every time I go back to the past. Each morning, my heart catches. When I get there, I remember how the light was, where the draft was coming from, what odors were in the air. When I write, I get all the weeping out.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

We forget our pleasures, we remember our sufferings.

No one can look back on his schooldays and say with truth that they were altogether unhappy.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

When I was younger we had a grape arbor, and my mom would go out and pick grapes and make grape jam in the sink – boil it, put it in jars, and give it away as gifts.

Remember that the most valuable antiques are dear old friends.

Applause is a receipt, not a bill.

Love is a really scary thing, and you never know what’s going to happen. It’s one of the most beautiful things in life, but it’s one of the most terrifying. It’s worth the fear because you have more knowledge, experience, you learn from people, and you have memories.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Many a trip continues long after movement in time and space have ceased.

When I write about a 15-year old, I jump, I return to the days when I was that age. It’s like a time machine. I can remember everything. I can feel the wind. I can smell the air. Very actually. Very vividly.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Taxpayers have long memories, especially when it comes to how their hard-earned money is spent.

An intellectual is a person who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

It’s a big compliment that so many people want to see me. For them, it’s all about football. That’s what they remember about me.

When I was younger, I used to have more flair, I used to do more tricks, the nutmegs, the step-overs.

Christmas is the perfect time to celebrate the love of God and family and to create memories that will last forever. Jesus is God’s perfect, indescribable gift. The amazing thing is that not only are we able to receive this gift, but we are able to share it with others on Christmas and every other day of the year.

I didn’t go to school for a full year until I was 12. In the summer I was a wild child in the woods, with no shoes, and in the fall it was back to the city, shoe shops and school.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

In fact, you couldn’t give me anything to make me go back to being a teenager. Never. No, I hated it.

Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future.

I was 14, and I fell in love with Pink Floyd.

It’s a funny old world.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

There are so many memories for me in Manchester. Everywhere I go, I think, ‚I used to have boutiques here, clubs there, restaurants in that area.‘

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

My parents were divorced by the time I was even conscious – like, I don’t remember them ever being together.

Music was an experience, intimately married to your life. You could pay to hear music, but after you did, it was over, gone – a memory.

Until 1914 I loved to travel; I often went to Italy and once spent a few months in India. Since then I have almost entirely abandoned travelling, and I have not been outside of Switzerland for over ten years.

I can imagine in years to come that my papers and memorabilia, my journals and letters, will find themselves always in the company of people who care about many of the things I do.

One of the skills I had to learn and become proficient in is kissing a man. I had never kissed a man. Will Smith did it in his movies, so did Jake Gyllenhaal, and I figured it was my time. So it was me and Steve Carell – fantastic.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

The things hardest to bear are sweetest to remember.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

And when I was young, my family was perfectly nice. I write a lot about it, as you noticed. But it was rather limited. I think, I don’t think anyone in my family would really feel I’d done them an injustice by saying that. We didn’t see many people. There were many books. It was as if I wanted to get away from home.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

I still have my unemployment books and I remember when I worked for the sanitation department and the post office.

To me, my house is always recreating what I lost in youth.

My personal telephone book is a book of the dead now. I’m so old. Almost all of my friends have died, and I don’t have the guts to take their names out of the book.

To me the ego is the habitual and compulsive thought processes that go through everybody’s mind continuously. External things like possessions or memories or failures or successes or achievements. Your personal history.