I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

It’s not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Take my wife… Please!

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected President but refuses because he doesn’t want to give up power.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds makes ill deeds done!

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I am not bound to please thee with my answer.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I must be cruel, only to be kind.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

God does not play dice.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I tried being reasonable, I didn’t like it.

What is past is prologue.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.