I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

I looked the people of Louisiana in the eye and told them exactly what I thought in terms that normal people use.

I don’t say very much I don’t really think through. I know that sounds inconsistent with Joe Biden.

Just talk to me as a father – not what the Constitution says. What do you feel?

You learn a lot about someone when you share a meal together.

I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That’s the difference.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.

Back, you know, a few generations ago, people didn’t have a way to share information and express their opinions efficiently to a lot of people. But now they do. Right now, with social networks and other tools on the Internet, all of these 500 million people have a way to say what they’re thinking and have their voice be heard.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

The more you know the less you need to say.

Always prefer the plain direct word to the long, vague one. Don’t implement promises, but keep them.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I’ll never make it, it will never happen, because they’re never going to hear me ‚cause they’re screaming all the time.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Give thy thoughts no tongue.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.

Without words, without writing and without books there would be no history, there could be no concept of humanity.

The most dangerous word in any human tongue is the word for brother. It’s inflammatory.

Among the letters my readers write me, there is a certain category which is continuously growing, and which I see as a symptom of the increasing intellectualization of the relationship between readers and literature.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I took the vow of celibacy in 1906. I had not shared my thoughts with my wife until then, but only consulted her at the time of making the vow. She had no objection.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

The best way to resolve any problem in the human world is for all sides to sit down and talk.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

What makes us human, I think, is an ability to ask questions, a consequence of our sophisticated spoken language.

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.

The internet has been a boon and a curse for teenagers.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I’ve been a lot more into Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, which was a bit complicated for me to understand the language of each social media, because they all talk in different ways. It’s a nice way for me to tell people I appreciate them, which I forget to do sometimes.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Sometimes it’s a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

When I was young, an eccentric uncle decided to teach me how to lie. Not, he explained, because he wanted me to lie, but because he thought I should know how it’s done so I would recognise when I was being lied to.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Writing and cookery are just two different means of communication.

Frank and explicit – that is the right line to take when you wish to conceal your own mind and confuse the minds of others.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Skype actually does get a fair bit of revenue.

Extremely religious, legalistic people have a criticism or judgment about everyone and everything. They just have a way of bringing people down with what they say.

I exaggerate when I’m angry, but I’ve never gone around telling people things that aren’t true about me.

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.

If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.

Pressed into service means pressed out of shape.

I don’t want to tell President Obama how to make a speech. He’s a much better speech maker than I am. But I think always to tell the truth in a sometimes blatant way, even though it might be temporarily unpopular, is the best approach.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

When we are thinking about stuff like embeds, we are not thinking about how we are competing with YouTube. We are thinking about how are we going to make it more useful for people to share stuff on Facebook.

A yawn is a silent shout.