I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Politics is applesauce.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

I value my garden more for being full of blackbirds than of cherries, and very frankly give them fruit for their songs.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.