I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Gardening is not a rational act.

The only thing that relaxes me is archery. That’s why I have to have apartments with gardens.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I grew up in a funny way.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Flowers… are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.