I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Don’t ever play yourself.

If you don’t stand your ground, then all that happens is people push you backwards.

Carry the battle to them. Don’t let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don’t ever apologize for anything.

Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Living in America and, of course, just being women in general, we’ve got more strength than we think we do.

Few women, I fear, have had such reason as I have to think the long sad years of youth were worth living for the sake of middle age.

I always put myself out there. I’m not afraid to commit to something.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Do not look for approval except for the consciousness of doing your best.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

I’m not intimidated by how people perceive me.

In my next incarnation, I want to be a writer.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

It generally happens that assurance keeps an even pace with ability.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I always say that women should wear whatever makes them feel good about themselves. That’s what I always try to do.

You are victors, not victims!

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work.

For a man to achieve all that is demanded of him he must regard himself as greater than he is.

We cannot live being obsessed with what other people think about us. It’s impossible to live like that. Not even God managed to please the entire world.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I’m not frightened by anyone’s perception of me.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I don’t have to show anything to anyone. There is nothing to prove.

Scripture is filled with examples of men and women whom God used late in life, often with great impact – men and women who refused to use old age as an excuse to ignore what God wanted them to do.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me.

A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It’s having backbone.

I’m no natural beauty. If I’m gonna have any looks at all, I’m gonna have to create them.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.