I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.