I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

All you need to do to be my friend is like me.

Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

Me and my dad are friends. We’re cool. I’ll never be disappointed again, because I don’t expect anything anymore from him. I just let him exist, and that’s how we get along.

Everywhere is nowhere. When a person spends all his time in foreign travel, he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends.

One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable.

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

A false friend and a shadow attend only while the sun shines.

Confidentially, the type of male I find most enjoyable for a friend is one who has enough fire and assurance to speak up for his convictions.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

How can sincerity be a condition of friendship? A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I’ve always wanted male friends that I could be real intimate with and talk about important things with and be as affectionate with that person as I would be with a girl.

There is danger that we lose sight of what our friend is absolutely, while considering what she is to us alone.

Friendship is but another name for an alliance with the follies and the misfortunes of others. Our own share of miseries is sufficient: why enter then as volunteers into those of another?

A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.

We will stand up for our friends in the world. And one of the most important friends is the State of Israel. My administration will be steadfast in support Israel against terrorism and violence, and in seeking the peace for which all Israelis pray.

I make friends faster and easier than journalists.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

OVOXO will always be there.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

A lot of Jews are great friends of mine.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Stand-up is my baby.

A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I think I have always had a little humor.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I’m a girls‘ girl. I have guy friends, but the problem with having guy friends is, like, I always get linked to them, and they’ll end up in a slideshow of people I’ve apparently dated on the Internet.

I love making new friends and I respect people for a lot of different reasons.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Prayer is simply talking to God like a friend and should be the easiest thing we do each day.

Science arose from poetry… when times change the two can meet again on a higher level as friends.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘