I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

A youth, when at home, should be filial and, abroad, respectful to his elders. He should be earnest and truthful. He should overflow in love to all and cultivate the friendship of the good. When he has time and opportunity, after the performance of these things, he should employ them in polite studies.

Friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

We’re close friends – the American people, the Israeli people, our governments. There’s absolutely no daylight – none – between us and the Israelis on the question of Israel’s security.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.

The greatest sweetener of human life is Friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by his heart, and his friends can only read the title.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

A friend is nothing but a known enemy.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

To get a hold on boys you must be their friend.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I lost some of my friends because I got so famous, people who just assumed that I would be different now. I felt like everyone hated me. That is the most unhappy time of my life.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud, and fighting terror – and America is honored to be their friend.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Remember that a gesture of friendship, no matter how small, is always appreciated.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

My friends are people who like building cool stuff. We always have this joke about people who want to just start companies without making something valuable. There’s a lot of that in Silicon Valley.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

As a child, I wanted to know how things worked and to control them. With a friend, I built a number of complicated models that I could control.

I have a feeling that I make a very good friend, and I’m a good mother, and a good sister, and a good citizen. I am involved in life itself – all of it. And I have a lot of energy and a lot of nerve.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, sir, should keep his friendship in a constant repair.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

It is not so much our friends‘ help that helps us, as the confidence of their help.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.