I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Yup, the whole birther movement was racist.

The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it’s been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship – never.

The elections are run by the same industries that sell toothpaste on television.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men’s cottage princes‘ palaces.

Barack Obama is probably the most exciting candidate that either the Democratic or Republican party has produced at least since I’ve been around. He’s fresh, he’s new, he’s insightful.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

No body can be healthful without exercise, neither natural body nor politic, and certainly, to a kingdom or estate, a just and honourable war is the true exercise.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Democracy don’t rule the world, You’d better get that in your head; This world is ruled by violence, But I guess that’s better left unsaid.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Of course we all know Biden is the intellect of the Democratic Party. Kind of a grin with a body behind it.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

I am certainly not politically affiliated with Mr. Obama.

Politics is not a game. It is an earnest business.

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

Life’s like a play: it’s not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

I despise people who go to the gutter on either the right or the left and hurl rocks at those in the center.

The White House is the finest prison in the world.

I know that campaigns can seem small, and even silly. Trivial things become big distractions. Serious issues become sound bites. And the truth gets buried under an avalanche of money and advertising. If you’re sick of hearing me approve this message, believe me – so am I.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

A specter is haunting Europe – the specter of communism.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.

People until I was 60 would always say they thought I looked younger, which I think, without flattering myself, I did, but I think I certainly have, as George Orwell says people do after a certain age, the face they deserve.

I personally never expected anything of Obama, and wrote about it before the 2008 primaries. I thought it was smoke and mirrors.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

I don’t like to see a president who is just out campaigning all year long or for the last four years. I’d like to see somebody who’s going in the office. In fact, I’d like to not see them because that way you’d be sure that they’d be working.

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

Capitalism is using its money; we socialists throw it away.

Most of the problems a President has to face have their roots in the past.

Step with care and great tact, and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act.

I think there ought to be a strict separation or wall built between our religious faith and our practice of political authority in office. I don’t think the President of the United States should extoll Christianity if he happens to be a Christian at the expense of Judaism, Islam or other faiths.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Even after Independence, we have had to face the poison of casteism and communalism. How long these evils will continue? Whom does it benefit?

The money in politics is a cash cow for the media.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Littera scripta manet – ‚The written word will remain‘. That’s true, but it won’t be that much comfort to me.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Senator McCain is Israel’s most unconditional ally in Mossad’s machinations, something that even his worst adversaries would have been able to imagine. McCain participated alongside this secret service in the creation of the Islamic State, which has appropriated a considerable part of Iraq as well as a third of Syria, according to its affirmations.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.

I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he’s African American.

He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.

I don’t usually admire Sarah Palin, but when she was making fun of this ‚hopey changey stuff,‘ she was right: there was nothing there.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?