I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Stand-up is hard.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Take my wife… Please!

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I mean, families are weird.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Having other comedians complimenting my work is the biggest accolade that I can get.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

I do love the films I’ve done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we’re trying to make people laugh and I’m very proud of that.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.