I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

I don’t really have a gimmick or a ‚thing.‘ I’m one of the few artists who gets to be himself every day.

Don’t make me into this airy-fairy, moralist, idealist because I’m not.

We should not be so taken up in the search for truth, as to neglect the needful duties of active life; for it is only action that gives a true value and commendation to virtue.

The thing about fantasy – there are certain things you just don’t do in fantasy.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I grow daily to honour facts more and more, and theory less and less. A fact, it seems to me, is a great thing; a sentence printed, if not by God, then at least by the Devil.

It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I absolutely want to have a career where you make’em laugh and make’em cry. It’s all theater.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!

Truth is the beginning of every good to the gods, and of every good to man.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

We can’t just choose to tell some facts and not others because we don’t want to upset people. We have to tell it like it is.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

It is curious how instinctively one protects the image of oneself from idolatry or any other handling that could make it ridiculous, or too unlike the original to be believed any longer.

Reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning.

I love being on stage, I love being able to tell a story, I love the fact that the audience listens and laughs at it. It makes me happy, and it’s what I live for.

I’m sure most parents read to their children to explain what certain things mean. So books are a good way to convey a message to anybody. Everybody reads.

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

Jesus didn’t die for us so we could pretend to be something we’re not.

Real life is the life that’s in you, not your circumstances, like where you live or what job you have or who you’re in relationship with.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I refuse to accept other people’s ideas of happiness for me. As if there’s a ‚one size fits all‘ standard for happiness.

But I did ‚Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.‘ They made a cereal out of it, so once you’ve had a cereal, it doesn’t get much more surreal than that. Surreal cereal.

Men despise religion. They hate it and are afraid it may be true.

The essential lesson I’ve learned in life is to just be yourself. Treasure the magnificent being that you are and recognize first and foremost you’re not here as a human being only. You’re a spiritual being having a human experience.

The revealed Word awakened me, but it was the preached Word that saved me, and I must ever attach peculiar value to the hearing of the truth, for by it I received the joy and peace in which my soul delights.

When you have nothing important or interesting to say, don’t let anyone persuade you to say it.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.

You do get certain publications in the States where, if things don’t go according to plan, they flip the story and it becomes very negative.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

And all who told it added something new, and all who heard it, made enlargements too.

People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I’ll give you an example; I don’t read what’s handed to me. People say, ‚Here, here’s your speech, or here’s an idea for a speech.‘ They’re changed. Trust me.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

A ‚No‘ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‚Yes‘ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Why lie? I’m not going to be a hypocrite and say the opposite of what I think, like some others do.

Knowledge is true opinion.

Every picture has its own demands, and every picture stimulates something within you to tell it a certain way. I don’t know what that is; I don’t think too much about that.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

Satire lies about literary men while they live and eulogy lies about them when they die.

The only passion that guides me is for the truth… I look at everything from this point of view.

A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I’ve always written. There’s a journal which I kept from about 9 years old. The man who gave it to me lived across the street from the store and kept it when my grandmother’s papers were destroyed. I’d written some essays. I loved poetry, still do. But I really, really loved it then.