I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

In the end, everything is a gag.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I now have two different audiences. There’s the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

I get that racism exists, but it’s not a catalyst for my content. I don’t need to talk about race to have material. My style of comedy is more self-deprecating. I think that makes me more relatable. When you deal with ‚topics‘ – race, white versus black – you’re not separating from the pack. You’re doing what everybody else is doing.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.