I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

I started in action, and then I went to comedy school.

In comedy, my strengths are improvisation.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

I had a great time being a salesman because of the pitches that I gave when I was selling shoes. However, I don’t think I’m as well versed in shoes as I am in comedy. Being a salesman was all about being a people person, and I enjoy being around people. I also love talking to people – which is why I think I did so well.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.