I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Having other comedians complimenting my work is the biggest accolade that I can get.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

The secret to humor is surprise.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Brad will tell you. He puts a movie on, I’m asleep in 10 minutes. I have no patience. But the kids love action movies with comedy, Jackie Chan and all that.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I absolutely want to have a career where you make’em laugh and make’em cry. It’s all theater.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Politics is applesauce.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

I get that racism exists, but it’s not a catalyst for my content. I don’t need to talk about race to have material. My style of comedy is more self-deprecating. I think that makes me more relatable. When you deal with ‚topics‘ – race, white versus black – you’re not separating from the pack. You’re doing what everybody else is doing.