I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I think I hate cynicism more than anything else. It’s the curse of our age, and I want to avoid it at all costs.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I mean, families are weird.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.