I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

You can’t keep your mind on fighting when you’re thinking about a woman. You can’t keep your concentration. You feel like sleeping all the time.

A lot of people from my generation of music are so focused on playing things correctly or to perfection that they’re stuck in that safe place.

When I write, the story is always uppermost in my mind, and I feel that everything must be sacrificed to it. All elegant passages, all the curious details, all the so-called beautiful writing – if they are not truly relevant to what I am trying to say, then they have to go.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I don’t really read a lot of newspapers. I don’t pay attention to what is being said or written about me. I’ve had lots of experiences in the past when I got too much into it. That sort of diverts your focus.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

The competitor to be feared is one who never bothers about you at all, but goes on making his own business better all the time.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Stand-up is my baby.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

That’s been one of my mantras – focus and simplicity. Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Pursue one great decisive aim with force and determination.

Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart, don’t know how to laugh either.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

It’s always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. If you can make a woman laugh, you’re seeing the most beautiful thing on God’s Earth.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I am in the fighting game. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t watch the news, I don’t care about politics, I don’t care about other sports. I don’t care about anything I don’t need to care about. This is my sport: it is my life. I study it; I think about it all the time. Nothing else matters.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

When I write, I tend to twist my hair. Something for my small mind to do, I guess.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

My focus is my art, and that’s what I love to do. I have to be really passionate in order to do something. I’ve turned down many things that I just didn’t believe in.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.