I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

To be intimate with a married man, when my own father cheated on my mother, is not something I could forgive. I could not look at myself in the morning if I did that. I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who would cheat on his wife.

My husband has quite simply been my strength and stay all these years, and I owe him a debt greater than he would ever claim.

We want our marriage to be a triumph, not a tragedy.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Rituals are important. Nowadays it’s hip not to be married. I’m not interested in being hip.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

We’re so immaturely cynical as a culture. We’re not wise enough to look at an institution like marriage and to really things about what it means and what it signifies. It signifies a place where people can tie the ropes of their lives together so that they’re stronger. It signifies a place where people can tell the truth to one another.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I know how to swim through backlash. I can tread water through backlash… If anything, that’s all giving me power.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

It’s a funny old world.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

My wife and I are very affectionate.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.