I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I’ve married somebody who I knew for 14 years. So, I’m just living with a friend. All through my ups and downs in football, from winning the I-League to losing the ISL final, she has been a source of great support.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Arthur Miller wouldn’t have married me if I had been nothing but a dumb blonde.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Stand-up is my baby.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

The trend of opinion among eugenists is that we must make marriage more difficult. Certainly no one who is not a desirable parent should be permitted to produce progeny.

Woman, or more precisely put, perhaps, marriage, is the representative of life with which you are meant to come to terms.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

In the end, everything is a gag.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

We’re so immaturely cynical as a culture. We’re not wise enough to look at an institution like marriage and to really things about what it means and what it signifies. It signifies a place where people can tie the ropes of their lives together so that they’re stronger. It signifies a place where people can tell the truth to one another.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I learned a great many years ago that in a fight between husband and wife, a third party should never get between the woman’s skillet and the man’s ax-helve.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Have you ever asked yourselves what you are going to do when you grow up? In all likelihood you will get married, and before you know where you are, you will be mothers and fathers; and you will then be tied to a job, or to the kitchen, in which you will gradually wither away. Is that all that your life is going to be?

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

We were born with a capacity to grow, love, marry, and form families.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.