I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.

I’ve never been a hands-on dad. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but you can’t run a restaurant and be home for tea at 4:30 and bath and change nappies.

When I am playing baseball, I give it all that I have on the ball field. When the ball game is over, I certainly don’t take it home. My little girl who is sitting out there wouldn’t know the difference between a third strike and a foul ball. We don’t talk about baseball at home.

I give the children education.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I can encourage my daughter to love her body, but what really matters are the observations she makes about my relationship with my own body.

My mother was determined to make us independent. When I was four years old, she stopped the car a few miles from our house and made me find my own way home across the fields. I got hopelessly lost.

In all seriousness, people think that it’s the ideas that are important. Well, everyone has ideas, all the time. I tend to write mine down and remember them, but at some point you have to apply the bum to the seat and knock out about sixty five thousand words – that’s how long a novel is.

If I were a woman, I would love to have lots of kids. But for men, I don’t believe in it.

I wish I had been home more when the children were growing up. I missed a lot.

Without discipline, there’s no life at all.

In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt, as injustice.

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.

I used to live with my grandmother. I used to wonder why the other kids in school went home with their mothers and fathers. I wanted to be the guy that got married. I wanted to be the guy with the children and the white picket fence. I never had that.

It is the failing of youth not to be able to restrain its own violence.

I became the kind of parent my mother was to me.

God made you a masterpiece – be blessed, secure, disciplined and equipped.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

My friends ask me if I want more kids, and I always say yes, I want more; it’s the best thing you can have in your life.

I have a son, who is my heart. A wonderful young man, daring and loving and strong and kind.

Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

Getting out of bed is like the foundation of the discipline, and I think it carries over into everything else.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

The whole commerce between master and slave is a perpetual exercise of the most boisterous passions, the most unremitting despotism on the one part, and degrading submissions on the other. Our children see this, and learn to imitate it.

The uncertainty of parenting can bring up feelings in us that range from frustration to terror.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Modern cynics and skeptics… see no harm in paying those to whom they entrust the minds of their children a smaller wage than is paid to those to whom they entrust the care of their plumbing.

We’re all bombarded with so many dietary messages that it’s hard to find time to sort through all this information, but we do have time to take a look at our kids‘ plates.

I had one incident where my daughter said that a girl asked if she was a brown person. I said, ‚We’re black. You have black people, white people, Chinese people, Hispanic people; we’re all brought up differently.‘

I can testify to what UNICEF means to children because I was among those who received food and medical relief right after World War II.

I consider the fact that thousands of children die each day from starvation and a lack of medicine a crisis for humanity and a problem we must collectively attempt to solve.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

You know, nothing is more important than education, because nowhere are our stakes higher; our future depends on the quality of education of our children today.

Juvenile crime is not naturally born in the boy, but is largely due either to the spirit of adventure that is in him, to his own stupidity, or to his lack of discipline, according to the nature of the individual.

None of my kids want to be actors. They are actually very interested in being musicians. I think they like the process of film from the outside. Mad is interested in editing. Pax loves music and deejaying.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Mental toughness is a lifestyle. It’s something that you live every single day of your life. When I was growing up, I was a lazy kid. I was a lazy kid, and everybody goes, ‚How did you get to where you’re at today? How did you get to where you’re running 200 miles at one time in 39 hours? Being so disciplined?‘

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I don’t let a lot of reporters meet my children.

Like every parent, when you start your family, your life completely changes. And you completely live for someone else. I find that the most extraordinary thing. Your life is handed over to someone else. From that moment on, they come first in every choice you make. It’s the most wonderful thing.

Americans want students to get the best education possible. We want schools to prepare children to become good citizens and members of a prosperous American economy.

There are children playing in the streets who could solve some of my top problems in physics, because they have modes of sensory perception that I lost long ago.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

The kids are a big part of my schedule.

Once you have six children, you’re committed.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I think it is the height of ignorance to believe that the sexual act is an independent function necessary like sleeping or eating. Seeing, therefore, that I did not desire more children, I began to strive after self-control. There was endless difficulty in the task.