I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in the experience.

The Premier League is one of the most difficult in the world. There’s five, six, or seven clubs that can be the champions. Only one can win, and all the others are disappointed and live in the middle of disaster.

The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience and ability.

I’m no longer just a candidate. I’m the President. I know what it means to send young Americans into battle, for I have held in my arms the mothers and fathers of those who didn’t return. I’ve shared the pain of families who’ve lost their homes, and the frustration of workers who’ve lost their jobs.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Senator Kerry has been in Washington long enough to take both sides on just about every issue.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

My music definitely comes from a place of experience. Everything connects to a truth.

My experience of malaria was just taking anti-malarials, which give you strange dreams, because I don’t want to get malaria.

Just because something didn’t work out your way, or somebody disappointed you, that does not change who you are.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

You have to be practical. So every time I say, if you want to write a novel you have to be practical, people get bored. They are disappointed. They are expecting a more dynamic, creative, artistic thing to say. What I want to say is: you have to be practical.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

You can know or not know how a car runs and still enjoy riding in a car.

Everyone has been in love, at some point or another.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

To ‚choose‘ dogma and faith over doubt and experience is to throw out the ripening vintage and to reach greedily for the Kool-Aid.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Adventure is worthwhile in itself.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

Once you get into this great stream of history, you can’t get out.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish I had known when I was in the White House what I know now about the Third World.

Sitting idle at home is the most painful experience for a footballer.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Working with J Balvin has undoubtedly been an unparalleled experience.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven’t committed.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.

Experience praises the most happy the one who made the most people happy.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.