I hate to be smart.

I am a big believer in education, because when I grew up in Austria – when I grew up in Austria I had a great education. I had great teachers.

The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort.

It’s an offseason. These days are valuable for everybody.

Autobiographies are only useful as the lives you read about and analyze may suggest to you something that you may find useful in your own journey through life.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

I like pushing boundaries.

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.

I think, when you are growing up, you have to pull apart from what your mother wants or needs. You’ve got to go your own way, and that’s what I did.

Don’t compare yourself with other people; compare yourself with who you were yesterday.

The Sisters of Notre Dame at St. Aloysius Grade School influenced my life tremendously. This was due to the fact that they encouraged you always to make sure that God is the focus of your life, and they didn’t allow you to do anything except to the very best of your ability.

There’s not some idea I’m going to create a work that’s going to change everybody’s consciousness.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

People who don’t know the true character of God – who don’t believe He is merciful, gracious and slow to anger – can never have a close, personal, intimate relationship with Him.

I still have mixed feelings about what growing up is – this thing that happens to everyone, so I’ve heard.

One of my big goals as a human being is to continue to write what’s really happening to me, even if it’s a tough pill to swallow for people around me… I do fear that if I ever were to have someone in my life who mattered, I would second-guess every one of my lyrics.

A woman has the age she deserves.

I was not an anthropology student prior to the war. I took it up as part of a personal readjustment following some bewildering experiences as an infantryman and later as a prisoner of war in Dresden, Germany. The science of the Study of Man has been extremely satisfactory from that personal standpoint.

The single most powerful thing I can be is to be myself.

Those of us who submitted or surrendered our ideas and dreams and identities to the ‚leaders‘ must take back our rights, our identities, our responsibilities.

The more one does and sees and feels, the more one is able to do, and the more genuine may be one’s appreciation of fundamental things like home, and love, and understanding companionship.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

A noble man compares and estimates himself by an idea which is higher than himself; and a mean man, by one lower than himself. The one produces aspiration; the other ambition, which is the way in which a vulgar man aspires.

Men take only their needs into consideration – never their abilities.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

If a woman possesses manly virtues one should run away from her; and if she does not possess them she runs away from herself.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

For me, being raised in a free America made all the difference.

The ideal man bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of circumstances.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

God enters by a private door into every individual.

I love being busy.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Always take hold of things by the smooth handle.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to trust your team. It’s a lesson I’ve had to relearn quite a few times.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

People respond when you tell them there is a great future in front of you, you can leave your past behind.

I can express myself.

There are phases in life which surface at times, and it makes you understand that despite you working hard, everything what you are doing is probably not enough. That’s when you need to look around, and beyond.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I’ve discovered that when we take time to renew our minds with God’s Word, we learn how to think like God thinks, say what God says, and act like He wants us to act.

Whatever the universal nature assigns to any man at any time is for the good of that man at that time.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.

I used to let other people’s struggles affect my happiness. If they weren’t happy, there was no way I was going to be happy. The opposite was also true: If I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want anyone around me to be happy.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I have great respect for the past. If you don’t know where you’ve come from, you don’t know where you’re going. I have respect for the past, but I’m a person of the moment. I’m here, and I do my best to be completely centered at the place I’m at, then I go forward to the next place.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

I can’t tell anybody else how to run their life or their business, but I really believe I’ve got a good bead on myself.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

When I was 8 years old I became a mute and was a mute until I was 13, and I thought of my whole body as an ear, so I can go into a crowd and sit still and absorb all sound. That talent or ability has lasted and served me until today.

I always try to be myself. Ever since I was an introverted kid, I’d get on stage and be able to break out of my shell.