I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Conservatism discards Prescription, shrinks from Principle, disavows Progress; having rejected all respect for antiquity, it offers no redress for the present, and makes no preparation for the future.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Just do some kind of workout. Doesn’t matter if it’s going for a walk around the block, going for a jog, doing some calisthenics, lifting weights, going to a pool and swimming – you name it. But do something that gets your blood flowing and gets your mind in the game.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

When I walk with you I feel as if I had a flower in my buttonhole.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

It’s a funny old world.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.