I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Take my wife… Please!

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I learned to walk as a baby, and I haven’t had a lesson since.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

As Dortmund manager, I lived in a street, and my two neighbours were Schalke fans. They showed it every day, flying flags!

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

It’s a funny old world.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Humor is reason gone mad.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.