I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter. He has a heart capable of mirth, and naturally disposed to it.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Maybe I’ll give Broadway a try. But you know what would be great? Hosting the Oscars. I promise you, that would be a show no one forgot.

I’ll continue to make the typical Adam Sandler comedies.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The secret to humor is surprise.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Music is part of the life of fashion, too.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

If you tell me there’s something I can’t do, I’ll want to do it even more. Especially when it comes to entertaining.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I like my fair share of board games.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I bear a charmed life.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I miss the early days; I do. I was so lucky. I basically had it to myself, learning about these chimpanzees. Nobody knew anything about them. Discovering their different personalities, different life histories. I was lucky.