I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

One of the huge imbalances in life is the disparity between your daily existence, with its routines and habits, and the dream you have within yourself of some extraordinarily satisfying way of living.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Leave all the afternoon for exercise and recreation, which are as necessary as reading. I will rather say more necessary because health is worth more than learning.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Some people reckoned that I looked healthier when I was bigger but I had terrible skin and no energy.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

I’m at peace with what I’m doing, I feel good with what I wake up doing and about my lifestyle.

I love San Francisco and Brighton has something of San Francisco about it. It’s by the sea, there’s a big gay community, a feeling of people being there because they enjoy their life there.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Stand-up is my baby.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I don’t sleep much. I don’t sleep much – I work, I work, I work.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I find the difference, for me, between having no money and having quite a bit is that the bills get bigger. And that’s it. The lifestyle doesn’t change.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

What’s fascinating is, people in Washington would rather spend time in Hollywood, and people in Hollywood would rather spend time in Washington.

Where a man can live, he can also live well.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

I didn’t have any children of my own.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

I consider myself a poet first and a musician second. I live like a poet and I’ll die like a poet.

No boxer in the history of boxing has had Parkinson’s. There’s no injury in my brain that suggests that the illness came from boxing.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

The choicest pleasures of life lie within the ring of moderation.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Fame and power are the objects of all men. Even their partial fruition is gained by very few; and that, too, at the expense of social pleasure, health, conscience, life.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

It’s crazy how fast you get out of shape if you miss a couple days of action.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I hate to mention age, but I come from an era when we weren’t consumed by technology and television.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Health is certainly extremely important, and we’ve done a number of things at Facebook to help improve global health and work in that area, and I am excited to do more there, too. But the reality is that it’s not an either-or. People need to be healthy and be able to have the Internet as a backbone to connect them to the whole economy.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

The time to worrying about flying is when you’re on the ground. When you’re up in the air, it’s too late. No point in worrying about it then.