I don’t think comedy will ever die.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

We are not trying to entertain the critics. I’ll take my chances with the public.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I’ve got a great sense of humor, and if I’m able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that’s hugely flattering.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me. Every night I had a live audience of 25,000 people to win over. My goal was never to be the loudest or the craziest. It was to be the most entertaining.

It just seems there’s better things to do in your life than be on television if it’s not interesting, if it’s not challenging, if it’s not fun. You know? When it stops being those things for me, I’ll stop making television.

I learned how important it is to entertain people and give them a reason to come and watch you play.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

Pop music will never be low brow.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

On a good night, I get underwear, bras, and hotel-room keys thrown onstage… You start to think that you’re Tom Jones.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

I sell escapism.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I can get where some scientists would say comedians are crazy. What you have to understand: A lot of comedians are dealing with a dark passion. A lot of these are guys coming from a tumultuous life, including myself. Some people need outlets, a way to express yourself.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I absolutely want to have a career where you make’em laugh and make’em cry. It’s all theater.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

‚Kitchen Confidential‘ wasn’t a cautionary or an expose. I wrote it as an entertainment for New York tri-state area line cooks and restaurant lifers, basically; I had no expectation that it would move as far west as Philadelphia.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

If you tell me there’s something I can’t do, I’ll want to do it even more. Especially when it comes to entertaining.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Everybody is entertained to death.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Everybody loved ‚The A-Team‘ because it was entertainment, pure and simple.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

The tradition of the South is not urban… I think we are a region of storytellers, naturally, just from our tribal instincts. We did not have the pleasures of the theater or the dance, motion pictures when they came along. We simply entertain each other by talking.

In ‚Changeling,‘ I tried to show something you’d never see nowadays – a kid sitting and looking at the radio. Just sitting in front of the radio and listening. Your mind does the rest.