I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion – towards ourselves and towards all living beings.

I’ve always wanted male friends that I could be real intimate with and talk about important things with and be as affectionate with that person as I would be with a girl.

Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you’re a human being, you feel, you suffer. You’re gay, you’re sick, you’re nervous or whatever.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

When the negative thoughts come – and they will; they come to all of us – it’s not enough to just not dwell on it… You’ve got to replace it with a positive thought.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I’m interested in women’s health because I’m a woman. I’d be a darn fool not to be on my own side.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Silence is more eloquent than words.

I exaggerate when I’m angry, but I’ve never gone around telling people things that aren’t true about me.

If you cannot concentrate, you are not so happy.

If I’ve got a problem with one of my clients that needs to get solved, guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to call them up, and I’m going to say, ‚Hey, here’s what’s going on. This is the situation. This thing went sideways. I didn’t expect it. Now it’s going to take me some more time to get you what you need.‘ But I’m going to do that upfront.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you can’t move and talk to people that you see, it’s not really my scene.

I’m a great believer that any tool that enhances communication has profound effects in terms of how people can learn from each other, and how they can achieve the kind of freedoms that they’re interested in.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble.

I am in my own head most of the time.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another.

I think women want to take care of themselves, and I think having a voice in how that is done is very important.

Some animals utter a loud cry. Some are silent, and others have a voice, which in some cases may be expressed by a word; in others, it cannot. There are also noisy animals and silent animals, musical and unmusical kinds, but they are mostly noisy about the breeding season.

The difference between a stranger sending you a message that you might be interested in at a very low volume level, no repetition, just sending it to very few people, and that being done as spam – those things get close enough that you want to be careful never to filter out something that’s legitimate.

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

I notice that my characters go out to dinner and have fun and take these great trips, but I spend so much time on their lives, I don’t have much of a personal life of my own. I have to sort of remember to fill out that little notebook on me.

If you’re nice to me I’ll never write anything bad about you.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

Speaking English is like tongue-twist for me. I can speak each word perfect, but then you have to string them together like, ‚Blah, blah, blah.‘ That’s when I get crazy.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel about what you know.

I’ve been searching for ways to heal myself, and I’ve found that kindness is the best way.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

If you want to influence people, you want them to accept your suggestions, you don’t say, ‚You don’t know how to use the English language,‘ or ‚How could you make that argument?‘ It will be welcomed much more if you have a gentle touch than if you are aggressive.

A man never tells you anything until you contradict him.

I don’t take showers at night, because I take a bath when I wake up. Then I go to bed on the most beautiful Egyptian-cotton antique sheets in the world.

Many of us have been running all our lives. Practice stopping.

I don’t think I could think of a single thing that’s more isolating than being famous.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I consider the fact that thousands of children die each day from starvation and a lack of medicine a crisis for humanity and a problem we must collectively attempt to solve.

Isn’t it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

When we are thinking about stuff like embeds, we are not thinking about how we are competing with YouTube. We are thinking about how are we going to make it more useful for people to share stuff on Facebook.

I’ve been blessed in that regard through and through. So I’m just thankful for this opportunity to play the game that I love and share that with the world.

There’s no substitute for the practice of meditation.

If the tongue had not been framed for articulation, man would still be a beast in the forest.

Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.

The major advances in speed of communication and ability to interact took place more than a century ago. The shift from sailing ships to telegraph was far more radical than that from telephone to email!

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Occasionally I’ve seen children become heavy-handed and insensitive when dealing with their aging parents, and it only caused resentment and hard feelings.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.

I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I’ll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don’t taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.