I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

Money has a language of its own.

Silence is safer than speech.

Eating is so intimate. It’s very sensual. When you invite someone to sit at your table and you want to cook for them, you’re inviting a person into your life.

I’m of the school of thought where if you can’t sort something out for yourself then no one can help you.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

Foreign policy is like human relations, only people know less about each other.

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.

I don’t think I could think of a single thing that’s more isolating than being famous.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

If you can’t move and talk to people that you see, it’s not really my scene.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

In a certain way, it’s the sound of the words, the inflection and the way the song is sung and the way it fits the melody and the way the syllables are on the tongue that has as much of the meaning as the actual, literal words.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

I hope I didn’t bore you too much with my life story.

The person who doesn’t scatter the morning dew will not comb gray hairs.

People are just afraid of things too much. Afraid of things that don’t necessarily merit fear.

Employers and business leaders need people who can think for themselves – who can take initiative and be the solution to problems.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one – keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

I used to meditate all the time in bed. That was when I was raising my daughter, and I’d get her up and off to school, and then I would go back to bed and meditate. And then I would do the same in the evening, and that was very good for that period because I had so many things to juggle as a single mother.

Sleep is all about recovering. So if you’re not sleeping, you’re not recovering. And if you’re going to break your body down a lot, you better find ways to build it back up. And the only way to do that is get a lot of sleep. So for me, I go to bed at like 8:30, 9:00. As soon as I put my kids to bed. Because I’m up at 5:30 the next day.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Therapy? I don’t need that. The roles that I choose are my therapy.

I’ve often said there’s nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.

Smiles are the language of love.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it’s Mr. Vice President, because that is who he is.

Hatred is self-punishment.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

It’s very inexpensive to give a compliment.

Better understated than overstated. Let people be surprised that it was more than you promised and easier than you said.

I don’t know how to function without music. When I’m not making it, I’m listening to it. It gives me courage and takes care of my mind.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

It should be possible to explain the laws of physics to a barmaid.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Every time you think the problem is ‚out there,‘ that very thought is the problem.

A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

Music is so therapeutic for me that if I can’t get it out, I start feeling bad about myself – a lot of self-loathing.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Digital reading will completely take over. It’s lightweight and it’s fantastic for sharing. Over time it will take over.

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.

When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.

The mark of a true politician is that he is never at a loss for words because he is always half-expecting to be asked to make a speech.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

But I did ‚Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.‘ They made a cereal out of it, so once you’ve had a cereal, it doesn’t get much more surreal than that. Surreal cereal.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

When I get up and work out, I’m working out just as much for my girls as I am for me, because I want them to see a mother who loves them dearly, who invests in them, but who also invests in herself. It’s just as much about letting them know as young women that it is okay to put yourself a little higher on your priority list.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I learned never to empty the well of my writing, but always to stop when there was still something there in the deep part of the well, and let it refill at night from the springs that fed it.

I think sometimes the best training is to rest.