I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

I had a period where I thought I might not be good enough to publish.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I don’t have this feeling that 70 is really old.

What people call impartiality may simply mean indifference, and what people call partiality may simply mean mental activity.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Carry the battle to them. Don’t let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don’t ever apologize for anything.

Beauty is also submitted to the taste of time, so a beautiful woman from the Belle Epoch is not exactly the perfect beauty of today, so beauty is something that changes with time.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Judgements prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.

An enemy generally says and believes what he wishes.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

When a country has the skill and self-confidence to take action against its biggest problems, it makes outsiders eager to be a part of it.

Words are more powerful than some noises. Noises won’t last long. Lyrics are so important, and people don’t realise that.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

Do everything as in the eye of another.

I walk tall; I got a tall attitude.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

Assuming if there’s such a thing as reality, if you have a false relationship with it, how can you do anything but fail?

I am not afraid of saying something and going and pursuing it. That’s it. I see it in my mind. I say it out loud. I go and do it.

For an occurrence to become an adventure, it is necessary and sufficient for one to recount it.

I was very blessed to have family and friends, but particularly family, who told me I was not only all right, I was just right, so I believe that my brain is a good one, and it’s lasting me very well.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

I still think I am the greatest.

Faith indeed tells what the senses do not tell, but not the contrary of what they see. It is above them and not contrary to them.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

Wit is educated insolence.

The light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us. Only that day dawns to which we are awake. There is more day to dawn. The sun is but a morning star.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I was terrible in English. I couldn’t stand the subject. It seemed to me ridiculous to worry about whether you spelled something wrong or not, because English spelling is just a human convention – it has nothing to do with anything real, anything from nature.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Heathenism is a state of mind. You can take it that I’m referring to one who does not see his world. He has no mental light. He destroys almost unwittingly. He cannot feel any Gods presence in his life. He is the 21st century man.

To find out your real opinion of someone, judge the impression you have when you first see a letter from them.

A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.

Not only is there but one way of doing things rightly, but there is only one way of seeing them, and that is, seeing the whole of them.

I’m a decent cook; I’m a decent chef. None of my friends would ever have hired me at any point in my career. Period.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

In too many communities, too many young men of color are left behind and seen only as objects of fear. Through initiatives like My Brother’s Keeper, I’m personally committed to changing both perception and reality.

I don’t believe in doing things to manufacture my body to appeal to what I think people might like.

If you have enough people sitting around telling you you’re wonderful, then you start believing you’re fabulous, then someone tells you you stink and you believe that too!

I get to hear the really good or the really bad things in the press, but I don’t read it. I can afford to say that because public opinion does not drive U2’s audience.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I mean, if you didn’t get it or if you didn’t feel like you enjoyed it, sometimes that experience can change.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Self-actualized people are independent of the good opinion of others.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Every fact is related on one side to sensation, and, on the other, to morals. The game of thought is, on the appearance of one of these two sides, to find the other: given the upper, to find the under side.