I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

So people are talking about revolution. What a revolution it would be to have a woman president.

Obamacare sucks, it can’t be fixed.

I do not believe that government should be in the business of telling women what they should do with their bodies.

When I was president, I announced and I still maintain that I can live with Roe v. Wade. I did everything I possibly could as president under that ruling, which I don’t think ought to be changed, to minimize the need for abortions. I think every abortion is a result of a horrible series of errors on the part of people involved.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I believe that in every country the people themselves are more peaceably and liberally inclined than their governments.

You can never have a revolution in order to establish a democracy. You must have a democracy in order to have a revolution.

Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

I hope that no American will waste his franchise and throw away his vote by voting either for me or against me solely on account of my religious affiliation. It is not relevant.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference.

No part of the education of a politician is more indispensable than the fighting of elections.

We must have government that builds stamina into communities and men. That makes men instead of mendicants.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

Why has government been instituted at all? Because the passions of men will not conform to the dictates of reason and justice, without constraint.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

The elections are run by the same industries that sell toothpaste on television.

Liberals seem to assume that, if you don’t believe in their particular political solutions, then you don’t really care about the people that they claim to want to help.

Politics are very much like war. We may even have to use poison gas at times.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The Soviet government is the most realistic regime in the world – no ideals.

It is amazing that people who think we cannot afford to pay for doctors, hospitals, and medication somehow think that we can afford to pay for doctors, hospitals, medication and a government bureaucracy to administer it.

The republican is the only form of government which is not eternally at open or secret war with the rights of mankind.

And I think it’s that time. And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over. You can maybe still use a plane. Though maybe a smaller one. Not that big gas guzzler you are going around to colleges and talking about student loans and stuff like that.

Democracy as a system has evolved into something that Thomas Jefferson didn’t anticipate.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

Constitutions should consist only of general provisions; the reason is that they must necessarily be permanent, and that they cannot calculate for the possible change of things.

The fact is that we would have had comprehensive health care now, had it not been for Ted Kennedy’s deliberately blocking the legislation that I proposed in 1978 or ’79.

The government, whether state or central, is elected. That means we have a responsibility to elect the right kind of leaders.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

There are websites that any government wants to block. The truth about the Internet is that it’s extremely hard to block anything – extremely hard. You’ll never get perfect blocking.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

When I look back on what I did for the Left, I’m in a small way quite proud of some of it – I only wish I’d done more.

I don’t usually admire Sarah Palin, but when she was making fun of this ‚hopey changey stuff,‘ she was right: there was nothing there.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

The governments of the present day have to deal not merely with other governments, with emperors, kings and ministers, but also with the secret societies which have everywhere their unscrupulous agents, and can at the last moment upset all the governments‘ plans.

I don’t like to see a president who is just out campaigning all year long or for the last four years. I’d like to see somebody who’s going in the office. In fact, I’d like to not see them because that way you’d be sure that they’d be working.

I took the Canal Zone and let Congress debate; and while the debate goes on, the canal does also.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

War should only be declared by the authority of the people, whose toils and treasures are to support its burdens, instead of the government which is to reap its fruits.

All ideologies are idiotic, whether religious or political, for it is conceptual thinking, the conceptual word, which has so unfortunately divided man.

Government does not create wealth. The major role for the government is to create an environment where people take risks to expand the job rate in the United States.

The CIA is made up of boys whose families sent them to Princeton but wouldn’t let them into the family brokerage business.

What I worry about would be that you essentially have two chambers, the House and the Senate, but you have simply, majoritarian, absolute power on either side. And that’s just not what the founders intended.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics, many times.

I have been very happy in the House of Representatives.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

It’s plain hokum. If you can’t convince ‚em, confuse ‚em. It’s an old political trick. But this time it won’t work.