I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.

You can always think of something like the Xbox 360 as a super set-top box that can do everything the set-top box does, but then have the graphics to do the games as well.

The fact is, with every friendship you make, and every bond of trust you establish, you are shaping the image of America projected to the rest of the world. That is so important. So when you study abroad, you’re actually helping to make America stronger.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

My aim is to create a happy society with genuine friendship. Friendship between Tibetan and Chinese peoples is very essential.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I love to pop up at the movie theaters. I love to treat the people who are there.

No woman ever hates a man for being in love with her, but many a woman hate a man for being a friend to her.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

I like the good life too much, I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

The French complain of everything, and always.

Nothing is so intolerable to man as being fully at rest, without a passion, without business, without entertainment, without care.

My music is a luxury.

The sound and music are 50% of the entertainment in a movie.

Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

Bo Derek is a really good friend of mine, and I’d like to spend more time with her.

Be polite to all, but intimate with few.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.

Seeing a live Kenny Chesney show, you know what you’re going to get. You know it’s going to be an all-day party.

Often people become our friend or follower with an undercurrent of resentment in our having more success than they have. They secretly desire the opportunity to take us down a notch; they have a nose for any misstep on our part they can exploit.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.

I think that people are interested seeing me on the screen.

Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

People don’t want drama 365 days a year. I’m a sense of relief; it’s my job to take your mind off what’s bad for that brief second you’re in the room with me, regardless of shape, race, colour or anything. It brings people together, and it makes me feel good about what I’m doing.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won’t save us any more than love did.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

It pays to know the enemy – not least because at some time you may have the opportunity to turn him into a friend.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.

I’ve missed out on a lot of things, going out with friends.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

The most watched programme on the BBC, after the news, is probably ‚Doctor Who.‘ What has happened is that science fiction has been subsumed into modern literature. There are grandparents out there who speak Klingon, who are quite capable of holding down a job. No one would think twice now about a parallel universe.

Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of Israel’s. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under a McCain administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I think one of the basic reasons men make good friends is that they can make up their minds quickly.

Peace, commerce and honest friendship with all nations; entangling alliances with none.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.