I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

How can sincerity be a condition of friendship? A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing.

True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

All of the people in my life whom I consider to be close friends or colleagues are good thinkers.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

My goal is to entertain myself and others.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I sent out a tweet, ‚Dancing with the Stars‘ should stop the jibber jabber. They shouldn’t make the departure of a dancer so tear jerky because nobody’s going to war.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I think I have always had a little humor.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

I could have spent eight years doing anything, and at some level, it would have been fine. I could have focused on flowers. I could have focused on decor. I could have focused on entertainment. Because any First Lady, rightfully, gets to define her role. There’s no legislative authority; you’re not elected. And that’s a wonderful gift of freedom.

I mean, families are weird.

I saw MotoGP on TV first, before I saw F1 and other types of car racing. It’s what I got more into. It was cool, there was good, exciting racing.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

A slender acquaintance with the world must convince every man that actions, not words, are the true criterion of the attachment of friends.

I love music, and after my first experience with movies, I can’t wait to do more.

You see the film, you might be entertained, and if it’s not a great film, it loses its power very quickly. I think even simply acceptable books stay with us a lot longer.

I hate to be smart.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable.

I have a really close relationship with Mike Bloomberg.

I think women are really good at making friends and not good at networking. Men are good at networking and not necessarily making friends. That’s a gross generalization, but I think it holds in many ways.

Often people become our friend or follower with an undercurrent of resentment in our having more success than they have. They secretly desire the opportunity to take us down a notch; they have a nose for any misstep on our part they can exploit.

I don’t know how the rap game is, because I’m a fan of reality, and the rap game’s entertainment.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

A man cannot be said to succeed in this life who does not satisfy one friend.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

No matter what message you are about to deliver somewhere, whether it is holding out a hand of friendship, or making clear that you disapprove of something, is the fact that the person sitting across the table is a human being, so the goal is to always establish common ground.

The movie business is a big gamble.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Movies are fun, but they are no cure for cancer.

My personal telephone book is a book of the dead now. I’m so old. Almost all of my friends have died, and I don’t have the guts to take their names out of the book.

An injured friend is the bitterest of foes.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

I don’t spend too much time on my phone, laptop or television. However, I do occasionally watch documentaries and shows on streaming platforms.

I don’t want people at my shows to come out and say, ‚I just saw a cool show.‘ I want them to say, ‚I had fun at the show.‘ I want it to be a collaborative thing and be part of the audience and have them be part of me. I try to interact with everyone there and have them be equal to me because they are.