I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I’m all about surprises. If you watch a horror movie, and it’s called ‚Kiss Land,‘ it’s probably going to be the most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I saw ‚Magic Mike,‘ and I thought it was great.

Is there a sharper commentary on American culture and the world than The Simpsons?

Sometimes I wish I had taken the Bob Dylan route and sang songs where my voice would not go out on me every night, so I could have a career if I wanted.

I love to pop up at the movie theaters. I love to treat the people who are there.

Even though I’ve been putting out bodies of work for years, ‚Beauty Behind the Madness‘ felt like the beginning.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I love music, and after my first experience with movies, I can’t wait to do more.

The most watched programme on the BBC, after the news, is probably ‚Doctor Who.‘ What has happened is that science fiction has been subsumed into modern literature. There are grandparents out there who speak Klingon, who are quite capable of holding down a job. No one would think twice now about a parallel universe.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

For my career, I wouldn’t go racing if I didn’t enjoy it. I still need to have my say, and not just get put with a team and get told to deal with it.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

In the end, everything is a gag.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

I had a lot of success from the start. I never really was tested for long periods of time. I got my first professional job while I was a senior in college. I signed with the William Morris Agency before I graduated.

I’ve been reading tabloids since I was nine. I love a good story.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Egos are never nice. I have been a victim of it a lot of times in my career. Whenever I have used it, I have failed.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I’m a workin‘ girl.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

If I could have worked from the time I was born until I was 18 and never had to work again, I would have done it.

Anybody that doesn’t like Cardi B a hater!

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.