I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

To me, the most important artists in my career are Arcangel and Balvin. Arcangel gave me the push, the respect in the streets.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I’ve never been a hands-on dad. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but you can’t run a restaurant and be home for tea at 4:30 and bath and change nappies.

The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.

It just seems there’s better things to do in your life than be on television if it’s not interesting, if it’s not challenging, if it’s not fun. You know? When it stops being those things for me, I’ll stop making television.

People are using Windows PCs more than they watch TV now.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

The glory of being a carrier pilot has certainly worn off.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

It’s not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.

I never thought a career as a musician was possible.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m a novelist right now. There is no definite career reason why I became a writer. Something happened, and I became a writer. And now I’m a successful writer.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I sell escapism.

I am a giant proponent of giant screens. But I accept the fact that most of my movies are going to be seen on phones.

My show ‚The Big House‘ was picked up; they flew me to New York. I’m about to step on stage to announce Kevin Hart’s ‚The Big House.‘ And a hand grabs my shoulder, ‚Kevin no, they just decided to cancel it.‘ It’s a serious smack-in-the-face business, and either you can take it, or you can’t.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

And I love a scary movie. It makes your toes curl and it’s not you going through it.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

If someone has a really great boyfriend or career, I think, it’s cool that happens.

I spent much of my childhood in northern Quebec, and often there was no radio, no television – there wasn’t a lot to entertain us. When it rained, I stayed inside reading, writing, drawing.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

Stand-up is my baby.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

But I think there are a set of experiences that turn a potential writer into a working writer, and then there are places in your life were you start to recognize what you want to do.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Even though I’ve been putting out bodies of work for years, ‚Beauty Behind the Madness‘ felt like the beginning.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I saw MotoGP on TV first, before I saw F1 and other types of car racing. It’s what I got more into. It was cool, there was good, exciting racing.

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

Human beings need stories, and we’re looking for them in all kinds of places; whether it’s television, whether it’s comic books or movies, radio plays, whatever form, people are hungry for stories.

I don’t fight in chase of an individual. I hear this sometimes where fighters work their whole careers to reach a matchup with a certain individual. I do not think in that way.

There has to be something in every role that interests you.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

I’ve done a great job at being universal in my stand-up, which is why, for ‚Let Me Explain,‘ I toured all over the world. These movies I have coming out – ‚Ride Along,‘ ‚Grudge Match,‘ ‚About Last Night,‘ ‚Think Like a Man Too‘ – are putting me in a position to become universal on an even bigger scale.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Maybe I’ll give Broadway a try. But you know what would be great? Hosting the Oscars. I promise you, that would be a show no one forgot.

‚Nothin‘ on You‘ by B.o.B was the first song where I heard myself on the radio. I’d been trying my whole career to write a song like that, which incorporates live instruments with hip-hop and singing.

I’m proud to be an actor. See, as an actor, you live longer. Football players, the brain and all that stuff, ooh-eee, that’s not good.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Wit is educated insolence.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.