I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

What really motivates people at Facebook is building something that’s worthwhile, that they’re going to be proud to show to friends and family.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

We lived in a tall, narrow Victorian house, which my parents had bought very cheaply during the war, when everyone thought London was going to be bombed flat. In fact, a V-2 rocket landed a few houses away from ours. I was away with my mother and sister at the time, but my father was in the house.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I believe everyone should have a good death. You know, with your grandchildren around you, a bit of sobbing. Because after all, tears are appropriate on a death bed. And you say goodbye to your loved ones, making certain that one of them has been left behind to look after the shop.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I feel only my friends and family need to know what is happening in my personal life.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

My family is very good about visiting me, and other friends as well.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

Nobody can ever make enough money for as many poor relatives as I’ve got. Somebody’s got a sick kid, or somebody needs an operation, somebody ain’t got this, somebody ain’t got that. Or to give the kids all a car when they graduate.

A man should never neglect his family for business.

I had this child, and it destroyed my family.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

We’re African-American and we work together as a family, so people assume we’re like the Jacksons. But I didn’t have parents using me to get out of a bad situation.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

It’s true; once you are a father, there’s no turning back. Your heart strings as well as your purse strings are never again the same.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

My dream is to be World Lightweight Champion in the UFC. Have more money than I know what to do with. And have a great life for my kids, grandkids, and everyone in my family.

Wit is educated insolence.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Regarding marriage, it – somehow, it didn’t happen. One fellow in such a big family not getting married is not an issue.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

If someone lies, well, you had a choice to trust that person or not. I think the way my father raised me, well, he trusted everybody. And that worked for him.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

At the age of 6, a teacher full of ambitions, who taught in the small public school of Biran, convinced my family that I should travel to Santiago de Cuba to accompany my older sister who would enter a highly prestigious convent school. Including me was a skill of that very teacher from the little school in Biran.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

It is totally different making films in the East than in the West. In the East, I make my own Jackie Chan films, and it’s like my family. Sometimes I pick up the camera because I choreograph all the fighting scenes, even when I’m not fighting. I don’t have my own chair. I just sit on the set with everybody.

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

My grandpa was a preacher.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

My parents weren’t actors or studio executives.

It’s a funny old world.