I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

As a single withered tree, if set aflame, causes a whole forest to burn, so does a rascal son destroy a whole family.

I come from a family of 12, so I kind of got a little lost as a child.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

The French complain of everything, and always.

My husband and I had to raise five of my younger brothers and sisters. They lived with us. We sent them to school.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

My problem was my inability to spend much time at home. I thought my family was secure, so I went running around everyplace else. I guess I had more of an effect on other people’s kids than I did my own.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Every man needs slaves like he needs clean air. To rule is to breathe, is it not? And even the most disenfranchised get to breathe. The lowest on the social scale have their spouses or their children.

In search of my mother’s garden, I found my own.

He didn’t come out of my belly, but my God, I’ve made his bones, because I’ve attended to every meal, and how he sleeps, and the fact that he swims like a fish because I took him to the ocean. I’m so proud of all those things. But he is my biggest pride.

My parents taught me service – not by saying, but by doing. That was my culture, the culture of my family.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Of all nature’s gifts to the human race, what is sweeter to a man than his children?

Sisters are brittle things. God was penurious with me, which makes me shrewd with Him. One is a dainty sum! One bird, one cage, one flight; one song in those far woods, as yet suspected by faith only!

My family is very good about visiting me, and other friends as well.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The way I try to represent my family and coaches, I think all are characteristics the league aspires to portray. That’s just who I am.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

The Kobe craze really annoyed me. Most of the practitioners had no real understanding of the product and were abusing it and exploiting it in terrible and ridiculous ways. Kobe beef should not be used in a hamburger. It’s completely pointless.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

It is amazing how a new child can refocus one’s direction seconds after its birth.

The details surrounding both my marriage and subsequent filing for divorce are private, and I had hoped to keep them that way for the sake of my family.

My parents were the same in the pulpit as they were at home. I think that’s where a lot of preachers‘ kids get off base sometimes. Because they don’t see the same things at both places.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

I think I have had so much blessing – I’ve had my brother, who was brilliant – I think my family came closest to making a genius when they made my brother – Bailey was just all of that. He loved me.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

Without Cambodia, I may never have become a mother. Part of my heart is and will always be in this country. And part of this country is always with me: Maddox.

Life guided me to being a bodyguard, protecting people, then in the movies, so I’m happy with everything because basically all I ever wanted to do was be a good son and take care of my mother.

I think a father is important for everyone. If you don’t have, then maybe not so much. In the world today, it’s possible that you grow up with only one parent in the family.

I live in Puerto Rico, my family lives in Puerto Rico, my friends. What happens in Puerto Rico matters to me.

We knew sports was important to us and our family, but there are priorities in life.Obviously, faith is foremost; how we did in school is important. If we didn’t handle that business then there were no privileges.

I’ve always wanted a baby.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Probably because I’m from a middle class family, I have that nature in me that I don’t get too excited with big things.

If you’re the parent, be a parent. You know what I mean? I’m a parent. I have daughters.

I always wanted a family.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

It’s a funny old world.

What really motivates people at Facebook is building something that’s worthwhile, that they’re going to be proud to show to friends and family.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Everything I have, my career, my success, my family, I owe to America.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

My real dream is to have a whole, like, buy a whole piece of land. Imagine, like, a long driveway. Like, a cul de sac-type street, with maybe, like, seven houses. Me be right here. Have my mom be able to be right here. My brother over here. My girl’s grandmother and family right here. Friends over there. That’s my real dream.

When the human race neglects its weaker members, when the family neglects its weakest one – it’s the first blow in a suicidal movement. I see the neglect in cities around the country, in poor white children in West Virginia and Virginia and Kentucky – in the big cities, too, for that matter.

For me, the opposite of scarcity is not abundance. It’s enough. I’m enough. My kids are enough.

I wasn’t allowed to go to movies when I was kid; my father was a minister. 101 Dalmatians and King of Kings, that was the extent of it.

I wish I had been home more when the children were growing up. I missed a lot.