I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

For so many people, television and movies may be the only way they understand people who aren’t like them.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I’m all about surprises. If you watch a horror movie, and it’s called ‚Kiss Land,‘ it’s probably going to be the most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

I don’t care whether you’re driving a hybrid or an SUV. If you’re headed for a cliff, you have to change direction. That’s what the American people called for in November, and that’s what we intend to deliver.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Is there a sharper commentary on American culture and the world than The Simpsons?

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me.

Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.

The celebrity-chef thing, even at its worst, its most annoying, its silliest, its goofiest, its most egregious and cynical, has been a good thing.

I like the good life too much, I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

Comedy Central was a great network, but ‚Chappelle’s Show‘ took it to a completely different level. Other shows got bigger because so many viewers were watching the ‚Chappelle‘ reruns. For BET, the ‚Real Husbands of Hollywood‘ has that same potential.

In ‚Changeling,‘ I tried to show something you’d never see nowadays – a kid sitting and looking at the radio. Just sitting in front of the radio and listening. Your mind does the rest.

As we all know, sequels can be tricky.

I have never thought it necessary to patronize the American people.

I think the 24-hour news cycle has helped exaggerate the differences between the parties. You can always find someone on TV somewhere carping about something. That didn’t happen 20 years ago.

I take a lot of pride in the work I do, because people pay to see me. They’ve got to get babysitters, park their car, get popcorn and candy. I’ve got to be conscious of that.

I can remember earning £5,000 a game playing for Hibs at the end of the Seventies. They let me commute from London, train on the Friday and play on Saturday. That lasted until my friends at the Inland Revenue decided to take two-thirds. That wasn’t very entertaining for me.

Boredom is the legitimate kingdom of the philanthropic.

I’m not a film buff. I don’t watch a lot of movies.

Films and television and even comic books are churning out vast quantities of fictional narratives, and the public continues to swallow them up with great passion. That is because human beings need stories.

Maybe I’ll give Broadway a try. But you know what would be great? Hosting the Oscars. I promise you, that would be a show no one forgot.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I’ve been reading tabloids since I was nine. I love a good story.

I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the American people. If America shows uncertainty and weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on my watch.

There should be a point to movies. Sure, you’re giving people a diversion from the cold world for a bit, but at the same time, you pass on some facts and rules and maybe a little bit of wisdom.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

When Jerry Springer thinks you’ve gone too far, my friends, you have gone too far.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

The American people are bigger than any president. I suppose I have faith in my country and in what it is founded on and the values we hold dear.

You entertain people who are satisfied. Hungry people can’t be entertained – or people who are afraid. You can’t entertain a man who has no food.

When you come to my show, I want it to feel like opera, like a theatre.

Well, everyone likes movies when they’re a little kid.

I don’t see myself as a philosopher. That’s awfully boring.

I prefer to be in a video than to play with it.

The one thing about the business of entertainment is that you have to learn patience.

Look, the American people are smart.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Of course, it does depend on the people, but sometimes I’m invited places to kind of brighten up a dinner table like a musician who’ll play the piano after dinner, and I know you’re not really invited for yourself. You’re just an ornament.

I want more of my favorite artists or more of the guy that makes the anthems. I want more.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.

There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being – it’s part of my fabric as a person.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.

On TV the people can see it. On radio you’ve got to create it.

I could have spent eight years doing anything, and at some level, it would have been fine. I could have focused on flowers. I could have focused on decor. I could have focused on entertainment. Because any First Lady, rightfully, gets to define her role. There’s no legislative authority; you’re not elected. And that’s a wonderful gift of freedom.

We are not trying to entertain the critics. I’ll take my chances with the public.

It’s really fun to be on stage in front of people.

It is hard to read a newspaper or watch a television newscast without encountering someone who has come up with a new ‚solution‘ to society’s ‚problems.‘

The sound and music are 50% of the entertainment in a movie.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

I tend to get bored quickly, which means I must be boring.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

And I will do everything that I can as long as I am President of the United States to remind the American people that we are one nation under God, and we may call that God different names but we remain one nation.

People are using Windows PCs more than they watch TV now.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Nothing feels better than going onstage and everybody is singing every word – and actually wanting to see you.

It’s not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.